In First part From this post, I proposed to expand on Winnicott's concept of primary maternal concern in terms of duration, since the reading of the signals that the baby emits extends beyond the first weeks of life.
But how to maintain this state of maternal concern when mothers accumulate so many roles, demand themselves and are charged to perform all well? Friends, daughters, professionals, wives, sisters, mothers, etc.
How to stay available and able to read your child, in the midst of a pandemic?
Maternal overload is already an old issue, but the pandemic has made it more evident and glaring. Social isolation, closed schools, suspended support network, home office, remote classes, 24X7 home life, and so on. The absurd physical and mental fatigue resulting from the accumulation of roles, or roles being played all at home and virtually, in the "everything-at-the-same-time-now" mode, seem to be cause a disconnection that makes us unable to read our children . It is almost impossible to be truly available for such an expensive and elaborate reading when it is necessary to be available for the rest of your life, all the time.
No, I don't have the answer, but it's inevitable to remember the famous phrase It takes a village to raise a child , or "It takes a village to raise a child". Unlike the state of primary maternal concern , which presupposes a withdrawal from the external world, it seems to me that it is necessary to seek precisely there that which can create the conditions to read the needs and demands of a child, to set up one's own village. And this has no magic formula, a determined configuration. Each mother, each family builds its own village, in the most different configurations, in order to adapt to the most diverse needs and lifestyles.
The notion of village reminds us that we were made to share spaces, to actually function in a collective and that Raising a child should not be undertaken in a solitary way . Remembering this seems to me essential to weigh expectations and demands, even more so in the midst of the pandemic, which brought social distancing, including within the same family.
Except when they sleep, taking care of a baby, a child, can be an activity that takes up almost all the time, so that the other interests are as if being swallowed up by this giant and complex function. Activating the other roles, looking for something in what is outside, in other spaces, in other attributions that are not just mother or father, even if only briefly, can be a rich and interesting way to create the conditions to connect again with your baby, to be able to read him again. Here, the different roles are placed not as an overload, but as a possibility, as a reminder that we are so many other things besides parents.
Thus, for what I call maternal literacy to continue to happen, for it to work in a "good enough" way - to use another term from Winnicott - pauses are necessary. Whether relying on your village, or activating your other roles and nourishing yourself with them, it is necessary to find gaps in time and take breaks in this tiring reading that is the reading of a child. And, it is worth saying, It is probably only possible to supply yourself in other functions, with a consolidated village , whatever form it takes.
Well, you can laugh at this text and think "Ah! But I always knew that what I need is time!". But getting into the turmoil and fatigue that can be the routine with babies and children can blur your vision and lead not only to a disconnection from your children but also from yourself. So the invitation remains, let us set up our villages; May we be whatever we want to be the most, besides being parents!
