Emotional ambivalence refers to the simultaneous existence of contrary feelings and is an essential phenomenon of our psychic life. In motherhood - this very complex function - one of the great challenges is precisely to deal with this phenomenon, which manifests itself in a particularly intense way.
Being a mother takes up almost (many would say all!) all the available time. There are no breaks and sometimes it seems that not all the time in the world is enough. The son always wants more. It spreads out, occupying time and space in a way that is sometimes imperceptible, until there is almost nothing left that is not it.
It is at this point that an alert sounds, an alert that it is necessary to contain this kind of "sprawl", which seems limitless, so that there is no suffocation. It seeks to find pauses, small spaces of individuality, moments in which the maternal function is not exercised and in which it is possible to perform other roles.
This can happen in the most diverse ways, a meeting with friends, a trip to almost anywhere without children. For example, a trip to the supermarket can be a brief moment of respite, in which the mother can go back to being a single person again, without another hanging on her chest or lap. Sometimes, the break can be the moment of sleep or nap, when you have minutes or hours to let go of the child.
I emphasize the verb "to vacate", because, it seems to me, that is what it is about. Maternity is a 24/7 occupation. It's not just any job. This occupation can be physical, such as breastfeeding, changing diapers, bathing, playing, and psychic, from that which occurs unconsciously, without realizing that it happens, to that of worries, or rather, of pre-occupations, reminders and lists of activities that involve the child. This includes making an appointment with a pediatrician, planning the date of the next vaccine, as well as thinking about more complex issues such as reflections on the child's education.
Behold, when you can vacate your child, when you can enjoy a rest, time for other occupations (or not. It may be a time to do nothing too!), you find yourself missing the cub. Your daughter sleeps and you find yourself with your cell phone looking at photos and videos of her. How can it?! Look at all the ambivalence making a party! You, exhausted, crazy for your time, feeling so little owner of your own time, find yourself, in the scarce free time, thinking and remembering your children.
You want to be together with your child again and you are also almost desperate for some time of your own. And here, you see, I choose to use the additive conjunction "and" and not the adversative "but", because the two things add up, even though they cannot effectively happen at the same time.
Dealing with such ambiguous feelings, so mixed, can be a lot of work, because the more we love, the more intense the ambivalence. One can go from one extreme to the other in a very short time, from the height of fatigue and impatience, when one wants to get on a ship and leave for a distant planet, to crazy and mad love, when one wants to hug and kiss endlessly.
Motherhood, from pregnancy, is a field of intensities, a field of the much, of the immeasurable. A lot of love, a lot of nausea, a lot of anxiety, a lot of emotion, a lot of discomfort, a lot of hormones, a lot of happiness, a lot of fear, a lot of power, a lot of change, a lot of beauty, a lot of doubt, a lot of tiredness. Nothing here is too little. I mean, maybe time is...
